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Live from Tampa Florida, it's the SuperBowl Half-time Coin Toss for the President on the NFL ON FOXY

"Hello, there again, everyone back in Tampa Florida before over 100,000 persons, this is Pat Summerizeitall, back with John Maddening here at halftime at SuperBowl XXXIV where the New York Jets and New York Giants are tied 10-10. We've had the Punt, Pass and Kick Contest, the Half-time Extravaganza, and now the most historic half-time event in football history. The stage is set for the historic Coin Toss for the President.

The half-time festivities are in full swing as we prepare for an historic event, the first ever Coin Toss for the Presidency of the United States. Here to analyze the two participants is my colleague, John Maddening."

"Well, Pat, we have here two tough and tenuous competitors, on the one hand we have the ever confident, born-to-rule persona of George W. Bush, a man from where there's a tradition of winning, Dallas, Texas.

He walks with a swagger, wears a cowboy hat, he's got a ranch and he's used to big power, big issues, and getting his way. He uses everybody on his team, gets input and does what they say. I expect a tentative, rather quiet Coin Call from him as he's not used to quarterbacking the plays himself. But he really wants this, and I expect he'll step up big time and call Heads or Tails in a strong clear voice without hesitation."

"Excuse me, John, Terri Fetcher, is down on the sideline with a closer look at the Bush entourage assembling in the West end zone.

"Thank you Pat, as you can see, John, the University of Texas Marching Band is preceding the Bush Team on the field playing 'The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You," with Candidate Bush and his coaching staff and preselected cabinet waiting at the back of the end zone. Just after the band are the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders holding up Bush-Chaney Posters. It's an amazing spectacle.

There's Bush in his trademark cowboy hat, on the golf cart is Dick Chaney, who's been coaching him on coin toss probabilities, behind Chaney is a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader who is tending Chaney's portable oxygen tank on a golf cart. There's James Fakerr, the guy dwarfing Bush...but we can't sell Bush short just because he is short.

Oh...and meanwhile at the opposite end of The Big Sombrero is Candidate Gore's team being led by the Florida State University Marching Band...they're playing the Seminole March now...the basis for the famous Atlanta Braves chant. Mr. Gore and his advisors, David Boise, Reggie Jessie Jackson, and the hirsute Hidal Castro a special guest of Mr. Gore at today's big game. Let me see if I can get some comments from Mr. Bush...oh, here's James Fakerr...how do you think Candidate Bush will handle this coin toss call today, Mr. Secretary."

"Well, Terri we've been feeding him options for the last two weeks leading up to this Super Bowl Coin Toss for the President, and we're looking forward to a strong clear, leadership-like call by Candidate Bush, provided the trajectory of the coin toss is straight up and down and called in the air very close to the grass."

"Now, here's Dick Chaney, who we believe is a little out of breath. Do you need your oxygen sir?"

"Ahhh.,.No, Terri. As...you...know...I am in... perfect health... to stand behind President-Possibly-Elected Bush... should the.... coin toss come out... in his favor. Just as... football players... take oxygen on hot days like this. I just have it here just in case."

"How has Candidate Bush prepared for this historic moment, Sir?"

"Well, Mr. Fakerr and I, Trent Glott...have tossed a similar...weighted...coin...hundreds of times for him...on grass...under lights....in Texas Stadium...using the same...type...coin...we.....believe...is....going to be tossed...today...he is ready...to call coin and...govern the nation."

"Thank you, Vice President possibly elected Chaney."

'I'm trying to get to Candidate Bush now, Mr. Bush, Mr. Bush...how do you feel going for the biggest decision of your life...? Can you tell me what the call will be?"

"Well, Terri, I am ready for the Presidential Call, and it has to be Bush, of course since it is my picture on one side of the coin, and the Vice President's on the other."

"So Candidate Bush, I understand this is not a tradition "heads" or "tails" call."

"No, Terri, but I am ready. I think it is the only fair way to settle this election now that the Supreme Court has made its decision. I am ready to bring the country together, after I watch the rest of this game."

"What will you do if it is Gore....?"

"I will abide by the outcome of the coin toss, provided of course, it is conducted according to the NFL Rules of Coin Tossing, and we are assured it is the Gore Head showing when the coin comes to rest on the grass at midfield."

"President Possibly Elected Bush is more confident about this toss, than I have seen him this whole campaign, Pat....back to you upstairs."

"Thank you Terri, now John Maddening what about Gore...does he have the timing to call the toss faster than Bush. A lot is riding on the trajectory of this coin. Because this is it."

(Camera cuts to Maddening---the heavy set, rumple-haired analyst cocks his head and looks serious for a moment)

"I don't know, Pat, Gore has been through a lot to get to this moment here on center stage at the biggest event in the world, we do not know if he has anything left. But this isn't anybody Bush is going up against. He'll be against Albert Gore, who's come back more times than Dracula, who he somewhat resembles, you know, Pat, a good clean call by Gore could pull this off.

But, as I say, he has prepared for this moment all his life. He has two speeches one to accept the Presidency and one to concede it. He told me before the game he was extremely focused, his concentration is still with him and his voice is quicker. The one thing about this Coin Toss is that a quicker, clearer voice is an advantage since you as a Coin Toss Caller want to wait to the last possible moment to make the call. Gore is good at that."

"All right there you have the scene set for you ladies and gentlemen -- polish, breeding and a tradition of power set against poise, speed and true grit. Now, I see Leslie Viscera is down on the sideline in the East Zone with the Gore team...Leslie...what is the mood down there? We can feel the tension is thick up here."

"Well it's even thicker down here, Pat. Can you hear me over the Seminole March? Good...o.k. Here is Vice President Possibly Elected Joe Leaveyourman, a former wide receiver and flanker in his football days. Does the President Possibly Elected, have one more good call in him?"

"Well, Leslie, he's always been making the right calls so far, and wants only what is best for the American people. I think he'll call it right for the sake of all Americans, black, white, Hispanic, Jamaican, Jewish, whatever. He's prepared, he's called a mock coin hundreds of times and has 711 successful "calls" in practice to prove it. I'm confident he'll do what is best for the American people."

"Wait, here's David Boise, President Possibly Elected Gore's Offensive Line Coach. Do you have any comments on your Coin Toss Plan today?"

"Well, Leslie, as you know we abide to agree by the rule of law, and the officials of the National Football League are fair and impartial, have excellent eyesight, and we expect the men in black and white will make the right call as they always do. Besides they have the benefit of Instant Replay Camera at grass level, overhead, from the side, on all angles. It is the fairest way we know to take the case one step where it will truly be fair...the coin toss is never disputed."

"Hold on there, Mr. Boise...there was one famous delayed call by a famous Detroit Lion lineman...do you think that could possibly happen here."

"No, of course not. You can't dispute a coin toss."

"Do we have your word on that Mr. Boise?"

"I believe what ever decision by the Referee-in-Charge, Steve Allen, is the right decision."

"There you have it-- it's going to be a last second call, Pat and John."

"Thank you Leslie...and now Presidents Possibly Elected, George Bush and Al Gore have reached the moment of decision, perhaps the final moment in this tortuous campaign and election of 2000, here at SuperBowl XXXIV. Let's go down for the elections and Referee-in-Charge, the famous former talk show host, the inventor of the talk show, the late great Steve Allen."

(The bespectacled Allen in White Cap and black and white striped shirt, blows his whistle!)

"All right, Captain Gore from the Democrats, and Assistant Captain Joe Leaveyourman. this is Captain Bush and Assistant Captain Chaney from the Republicans. Captain Bush and Assistant Captain Cheney from the Republicans, this is Captain Gore and assistant Captain Joe Leaveyourman from the Democrats. Now gentlemen, as you can see, I have a two-headed coin here...on one side is Captain Bush's likeness, on the other side is Captain Gore's. If you call the side showing face up when the coin hits the grass, you have won the toss and the Presidency, and you have your choice of whether to take the Presidency, while the loser defends either the left goal or the right goal.

"We might add, John, that the coin is a specially minted gold piece, struck by the US Treasury, and a limited edition of this historic coin of 100,000 pieces will be available by 800 number immediately after the coin is tossed for $2,000.00 each. The coin toss will be covered by 7 cameras and will be instant replayed if the landing of the coin is in dispute."

"This is one of the great NFL moments in history, Pat....here it goes....Pat...you've got the call..."

There is a long loud drum roll and fanfare from the Florida State Band...

"Referee Allen has tossed the gold coin high in the air, end over end soaring straight up...the candidates are watching it...the coin is spinning flipping twisting turning diving to earth....it's a beautiful toss and HIGH WAY HIGH....it is coming down FAST and DOWN IT COMES....CLOSER TO EARTH just a few seconds...BUSH and GORE are following it...and GORE doesn't see it....he is blinded by the lights! BUSH CALLS IT!"

"BUSH!" "GORE" Ooooo a late call by the Vice President perhaps saves a sure BUSH WIN.

(CAMERA ZEROS IN FOR THE CLOSEUP of the Coin)

"THEY BOTH CALL IT!"

"Now Referee Allen is bending over....he seems puzzled, JOHN what does the replay show?"

"Pat, it looks like the COIN has landed on its SIDE...they are waiting for it to flip one way or another.....this is unprecedented.....I knew that coin was heavy and it seems to have imbedded itself in the TURF!"

"Gore and Bush are now down on their knees, blowing at the coin. Do you believe this, John?"

"No, I don't...all 4 candidates are on their knees blowing at the coin....and this stadium, this nation is in an uproar."

"Hold everything, The Line Judge has thrown a flag on the Coin Toss. This is amazing. The linesmen are unpiling the 4 candidates who have gotten grass stains and muddy turf on their blue serge pants."

"Did you see anything on the replay. Terri Fetcher...did you see anything from ground level?"

"Pat, it looks as if the coin toss was thrown too high by Referee Allen...and Candidate Bush has been flagged for encroachment, that's what the buzz is here. But the COIN definitely has embedded itself in the Raymond James Stadium turf."

"All right...they've separated the candidates.. and Referee Allen is going to toss again. Here it is...and he gets the coin away....and this is not as good...he has angled the coin toss...and it fails to go the agreed-upon 15 feet in the air...and Allen will have to toss it a third time. This must be rough on the candidates."

"All right ready to go...Allen swings his right arm down below the knee and it's a beauty...straight up...dazzling in the lights....(the camera follow the endlessly flipping coin....another camera catches the intense concentration of each candidate's eyeballs as they follow the coin intently). It's coming down...what a great toss! The best of the three...coming to earth...the candidates fall to earth...and"

"BUSH!" "GORE"

"The candidates have made their calls, ladies and gentlemen...and let's listen to Referee Steve Allen,"

"AND BUSH IT IS! Governor Bush, you have won the Toss...you may either choose the Presidency or the position of Commissioner of Major League Baseball."

"Now officially it is over...ladies and gentlemen. Governor Bush with an emphatic last second call.... has been officially declared by referee Allen the winner of the Presidential Coin Toss...But WAIT.... Gore is pointing at Bush...gesturing wildly at the ground by the coin! His veins are standing out on his neck!"

"There're gonna bring it back, Pat..."

"What in the world? John, tell us what happened?"

Maddening goes to his telestrator..."Pat, I think what they're looking at is the camera replay that shows the flight of the coin as it dives to the ground....and the audio of Bush's "call" clearly begins after the edge of the coin...see here....see...hits the ground. And here you see it from the overhead Firestone Blimp camera. You can clearly see the coin has stopped dead just as Governor Bush starts to say "B."

"BUSH CALLED IT when it had hit the ground. He has to call it in the air. The ground level replay is clearly showing that...look at the elapsed time with the beginning of the audio. Thank goodness for instant replay. They got this one right."

"And they are having to hold Dick Chaney back...he's bumped Referee Allen...and is chasing him off the field! He better be careful...and Governor Bush is jumping up and down...saying he won fair and square..."

"This is the most astounding coin toss I've ever seen. It sets a whole new standard for how you handle coin tosses," Maddening intones. "And look at this, Chaney has collapsed, they're racing across the field with his oxygen...and an ambulance is coming onto the field. What a disaster."

"You can say that again...The linesmen and the linejudge are calming Bush down and Gore is looking more confident than ever."

"So ladies and gentlemen, with the Jets and Giants tied at 10-10, we are going into overtime on the Coin Toss, as if everything hasn't happened yet in this election 2000-2001. Leslie Visceral, how is Governor Bush holding up...to this latest Gore ploy."

"Pat, the crowd behind me is going crazy...screaming BUSH WON BUSH WON...it's getting very ugly...Governor Bush is holding up his hand calming them. He is taking charge. And yes, we have gotten word that Vice President Possibly Elected Chaney is now a dead Possibly Elected Vice President. He went into cardiac arrest, and now the SuperBowl has recorded its first ever death on the field...but the Coin toss must go on, Bush is saying. He heard a few words from James Fakerr about Chaney's sudden death, but he seemed cool, and I think he's ready to rise to the occasion."

"Well, Ladies and gentlemen, the stadium is in stunned silence as the dead Vice Presidential Candidate is carried from the field. As soon as we take the official NFL Death Timeout (for clearing the body from the field) of 2 minutes, we'll get back to the Rubber Coin Toss...standing by in FOXY studios is Terry Radshaw, with a comment on what's gone wrong with the Coin Tosses so far."

"Pat, John, it's obviously a mistake taking a comedian from outside the NFL to conduct the coin toss, he does not have a rhythmic throw of the coin... he throws it too high, and the two candidates are not picking it up...Chris Pencil Neck how do you see it."

"Wall, Terry you're absolutely right on. You need a professional coin tosser to keep order when there is a call...they can't let them wait to the last minute to call it like that. And besides, Allen is from Hollywood, and you know how liberal they are...he is deliberately drawing out the process, hoping Al Gore will get lucky. The Bushwhacker has already won the Presidency three times, and the referees keep calling it back. Six times if you count the Supreme Court Decision. All right, Pat, the NFL Death Timeout is over...they're ready to go at The Big Sombrero."

"Thank you Terry and Chris, and here we go for the third and final coin toss for the Presidency. Referee Allen pushes Bush and Gore apart...getting the proper distance. That was a problem last time...and here it is....

This is the best toss of the four. It is straight up...a beautiful flipping spiraling climb...and a true straight down drop...BUSH and GORE MOVE IN...to make the call...and. .....let's listen to history:"

"BUSH GORE"

"The coin has dropped cleanly lying flat on its side....let's go to the BLIMP SHOT... and it is BUSH! And Governor Bush has called it correctly! No flags! No challenges! Looks like this is it!"

"John, an absolutely flawless call by the Governor a scant .5 seconds before the coin touched Tampa grass! And Gore knows it. He's walking away....and here's Referee Allen's announcement."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Governor Bush has won the Toss. The coin has landed with BUSH up...and Governor Bush has called "BUSH," He has won the toss and I hereby declare, by the authority of the National Football League, Governor Bush is now President Elect Bush. You may assume the White House and defend the nation and lead it for the next four years. And Mr. Gore, may return to the Democratic Party and defend the Left Goal."

(At this point the Florida State Band is playing "Hail to the Chief.")

"And there you have, it ladies and gentlemen, after an unprecedented four tosses of the coin, 6 Court challenges, 3 recounts, and one wild election, Governor George W. Bush has won the Presidency by a toss of a coin. How'd he do, John?"

"Pat, this was Governor Bush's greatest call of his political career, he waited to the last moment and called it coolly. I thought Gore simply lost because he could not bring himself to say "Bush.""

"Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be back with the second half kickoff with the Jets and Giants tied 10-10 here at SuperBowl XXXIV after this message from FOXY."

---Satire by Howard Hosell, WPCNR Sports Commentator

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